I remember as a child how my mother used to laugh. It was the kind of laugh that came from her soul. She always had a way of making everything fun. During the darkest blackouts she would magically produce a glow-in-the-dark ball, and before you know it, we would be romping around the dark house chasing an illuminated orb. Other times she would play The Sound of Music on the turntable, and then pretend we were the von Trapp family. We danced around the house, singing My Favorite Things at the top of our lungs! I almost talked her into making me "play clothes" out of the curtains. My mother loved to sing, and I think to her life should have been a musical. As a teenager I used to cringe when she would sing loudly, in public, to the overhead music in the stores. I believe to this day, if she danced outside, the animals would flock around her as her back-up singers. It would be weird, but that was my mother.
This is my favorite picture of my mother. Smoking and drinking! A 1950's facebook picture in the making, a glimpse of the person she was before I came along. My mother rarely drank and gave up smoking when she had me. But there she is in black and white, making her daughter proud! I would have loved to have known that side of her. When I was a child I used to look through her things. I was searching for something, what I never knew. Maybe a glimpse into what it meant to be an adult. Perhaps a closer look into her soul. The grown up world was a mystery to me. I would watch her get ready, with red lipstick, fine penciled eyebrows, velvet dresses and stiletto heels; I would imagine scenes from Breakfast at Tiffany's. My mother was my Audrey Hepburn and I was in love with everything about her.
When I was about 3, I found myself alone and lost in a large department store. I was scared, and remember the panic as I could not find my mother. I was crying, and terrified. I recall a kind stranger grabbed my hand and brought me to my equally freaked out mother. One slip of a hand, and the world of child turns upside down. One year ago, today, my mother died. I still feel like that little girl, lost in the store, only this time I cannot find her. I look for that kind stranger to bring me to her, but I cannot find him either.
This is what I can find: My mother's love is everywhere. Her love continues to light of my life, bringing me out of the darkness. Like her game of glow-in-the-dark ball, she never got tired of playing with me. She gave me a wonderful childhood. A priceless gift. I am an only child, the sole survivor of 6 pregnancies...she called me "her miracle." Words written by John Lennon from the song Across the Universe "Limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns," expresses what I am left with. Limitless. Undying love. I am dancing around the house with my three year old son, twirling him in my arms singing. I am loving my daughters more than I ever thought possible. Her love shines around me like a million suns.
Now I am the one embarrassing my children by singing in the stores, and sometimes by merely breathing! I find evidence of my girls searching through my belongings. I doubt I will ever be as glamorous or refined as my mother. Through my adolescence I know I tested her patience, but she never stopped believing in me for a second.
10 years ago she gave me a glass mason jar, filled with tiny bits of folded paper. Each slip of paper (there are about 50 of them) is a hand written love note to me. Every note is different, but they all tell me to believe in myself, that she loved me dearly, and that I gave meaning to her life! So precious a gift that is an affirmation of limitless undying love. What follows are from some of the notes.
"Sometimes I long for the days,when you were little, you were so sweet and good. Wonderful company...and...most of all...you were always there with me."
"Not only are you intelligent, you are a great human being." "You are sweet!"
"I left out a lot of things, but in my heart and brain I remember it all, the memories are all beautiful, and I cherish them all."
I think I remember it all mom, but I will never forget you, ever. Thank you for giving me life, and turning my world into an amazing place. I miss you and love you, always. I am not lost anymore, as I know your love in in my heart forever.
xoxoxoxo me.
